Tomorrow is my beautiful daughters first birthday.
I can't believe it. It seems like yesterday.
A year ago tomorrow, I was so scared that she was coming so early. I hoped and prayed all day that she would stay inside of me a little longer. I wanted to go home. I wanted to feel her inside at least a few more weeks. I wanted to pack my hospital bag, and pack her diaper bag. I wanted her to be born and not fight to breath, or work hard to eat.
Hannah was born at 5:46 pm that day. I saw my little baby for a few seconds and I was filled with happiness and love. She was delicate, feminine, and beautiful.
I wanted so badly to do the things that most other Mom's were able to do with their babies-and what I was able to do with Carson. I wanted to hold Hannah. I wanted to see her bassinet next to my hospital bed. I wanted to stare at her-to see the rise and fall of her tiny chest. I wanted to hear her cry and comfort her when she needed me. I wanted her big brother to hold her. I wanted my family to hold her. I wanted the nurse to check my hospital band. I wanted to nurse my baby and not pump. I felt so very far away from her.
Although, Hannah did very well and honestly had a minimal hospital stay. I can not tell you how bad it was for me to be discharged from the hospital and leave my baby there. It was not what I was expecting, it was not how I imagined. I felt like I had abandoned her. What if the nurses were busy and she was crying? Would she have to wait? I cried a lot.
As I look at my roley poley, chubby cheeked, happy baby now, I am so thankful for her. I had forgotten how much fun it was to have a baby around. I am glad that Hannah came and reminded me of that. Happy Birthday Hannah-Mommy loves you!